What is the Good Girl Syndrome?
It’s an affliction I see in so many women that I’m all too familiar with. It often comes from our well-meaning parents who placed a high value on us being “good girls”. We had to be always on our good behaviour, perfect in every way, doing as we’re told and never showing negative emotion. It gets wired in so deeply that it becomes a part of our identity.
When a girl grows into a woman she continues living from this “good girl” place, which creates all kinds of pain, confusion and difficulty in her life.
I’ve come up with 15 common signs of the Good Girl Syndrome in women. See how many of these you have.
- You tend to be a people pleaser, always nice and accommodating, going above and beyond to make others happy, even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for you.
- You have a strong inner critic – the voice in your head that tells you how bad and wrong you are and tells you off for every minor mistake and flaw every waking hour.
- You have a tendency towards perfectionism – either working hard to make sure you appear perfect and produce perfect work or avoiding even starting projects or taking on new roles and challenges because deep down you’re afraid you won’t be able to do them perfectly.
- You have a shaky sense of self as a result of chameleoning your way through life. When you keep adapting your personality to fit into other people’s expectations, you end up being unsure of who your real self is.
- You have low self-esteem – a natural result of constant self-criticism and not having a solid sense of self. You struggle to feel love and compassion towards yourself.
- You often get into codependent relationships and tend to attract narcissists who are quick to point out your flaws. You tend to give your power away in relationships or are constantly living through some kind of relational drama.
- You have shame around your sexuality or messy sexual connections that often leave you feeling empty, remorseful and dirty. That’s because your natural sexual expression is getting warped by the good girl shame.
- You struggle to have a voice of your own and speak your truth. Your voice may sound quiet, high or nasally as a result of unconscious restriction. You tend to be quiet, say very little and speak tentatively.
- You avoid confrontation and conflict at all costs, often ghosting people instead of having uncomfortable conversations.
- You look for external validation in everything you do. Growing up, good girls received parental approval for good behaviour, so you keep looking for that as an adult.
- Deep down you’re afraid that you’re really bad. Somewhere deep inside you know that the “good girl” is a mask, an act that you’ve been putting on your whole life to feel ok and receive validation. But you don’t know who the real you is underneath that mask, so you have a creeping fear that the real you must be very bad indeed.
- Despite trying to be good, you often inadvertently do “bad” things and punish yourself for them afterwards. All your “badness” (which is really just a part of your natural expression) was cast out into the shadow and keeps acting out from there.
- You have a fear of authority figures and submit yourself without questioning to those in positions of power.
- You often find yourself in circumstances that don’t make you happy – jobs, relationships, living arrangements. They may be things your parents expected you to do that are misaligned with your soul’s desires.
- You live in your head most of the time and feel disconnected from your body. You’re also cut off from hearing the voice of your soul (which often speaks through the body).
There you have it. There’s probably more to this list but it’s a good start.
I’m curious to know how many of these you found in yourself. And do you have any other observations to be added to the list?
