What do you do when someone’s upset or hurt you? How do you deal with your triggers?
Relationships of any kind inevitably bring up uncomfortable feelings, wounds, hurts. They are the biggest growth catalyst for our human experience on this planet.
Most people are not given a manual for how to respond to triggers and process upsets with those close to them. The way we respond tends to be based on our individual wounding and what was modelled to us by our family and culture.
Having done my fair share of f*cking up and clumsy relating, I’ve come up with the following broad categories of the most common ways people deal with relational upsets.
1. You get aggressive.
Blaming, attacking from a place of righteous indignation. Can feel very cathartic but usually doesn’t go down well with the other person. Unless they’re enlightened or have unlimited love and patience for you, they’re likely to go on the defensive. Been there done that, lost a few friendships.
2. You get passive aggressive.
You ghost them, forget their birthday, throw in snide comments in a jokey way. Passive aggressive responses generally fall into two categories: conscious and unconscious.
Conscious means you’re well aware of what you’re doing and you mean it – “This is how you treat me? Let’s see how you feel when I ignore you for 3 months.”
Unconscious means you’ve brushed your upset aside but then it so happens that you forget their birthday or make a hurtful joke. You feel awful and wonder how you could have been so careless.
I’ve reacted in both conscious and unconscious passive aggressive ways and nothing good really came out of it.
3. You turn the aggression inwards at yourself.
This is common for those who grew up being shamed and punished for natural expressions of aggression (like yours truly here). This can be a mind f*ck and usually leads to feelings of self-hatred, alienation and depression. Definitely don’t recommend it.
4. You start distancing yourself from this person.
You’ve decided they’re not good for you and it’s too uncomfortable to spend time with them and that thing they did was really hurtful/uncomfortable, so it’s best to avoid them. You slowly withdraw until you’re no longer speaking to them (aka ghosting). Of course you don’t tell them how you feel, so they have no idea what’s happening. This is a very common strategy for highly sensitive conflict avoiders. It used to be my favourite strategy that alienated me from pretty much everyone for a few years. You’re avoiding discomfort but paying with loneliness.
5. You dismiss, minimise and spiritually bypass.
“It doesn’t really matter”, “It’s no big deal”, “It’s not important in the grand scheme of things”, “I’m rising above my human ego. Om shanti”. This one is a very popular option and I definitely have used it many times. It can be very appealing. The dismissive and spiritual statements can have an anaesthetising effect on the mind. But… and it’s a big but… You’re not actually getting rid of those upsets and triggers. Instead you’ve shoved them deeper into your unconscious mind. Stay tuned for more situations that will trigger this particular wound and disowned anger.
And finally…
6. You have an open honest conversation with this person.
You talk to the person that’s upset you and get honest and vulnerable about what they did that triggered you. You admit your part in it if necessary and your wounding/story that was triggered. This is the only healthy option in my opinion, one I came to after trying all the others and doing a LOT of inner work to understand my triggers and overcome my fear of confrontation and uncomfortable conversations. I call this the Healthy Authentic Non-Violent Communication pathway. It definitely takes courage, skill and loads of self-awareness to master. But if you’re willing to put in the work it can transform and deepen your relationships beyond what you can imagine. Plus it’s an invitation for the other person to get honest and vulnerable with you. Sure, not everyone will be able to meet you at this level and that’s okay. They may not be ready for this level of raw honesty. This is not an excuse for you not to try. You might be surprised that even the toughest people respond positively. I’ve had very beautiful healing conversations with my parents from this place.
So there you have it. What do you think? Have I missed any?
If you’re looking to learn how to communicate in honest authentic ways and have healthy uncomfortable conversations, send me a message, let’s talk.
