If you have ever struggled with an inability to speak uncomfortable truths to people in your life, this post is for you. Confrontation is difficult for many of us, especially when we are raised to be nice people-pleasers. We tend to avoid it at all costs so as not to upset others or be ostracised. But did you know that underneath that fear of confrontation there’s often unprocessed trauma?
When people hear the word ‘trauma’ they usually think of big things like physical abuse, violence, rape. Those are what we call “big T” traumas. But there are also “little t” traumas that can have just as strong an impact on our psyches and nervous systems. As children we are very vulnerable and deeply affected by our caregivers. If we had repeated experiences of being shamed for our emotions or expressions, that is “little t” trauma.
In the words of Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing,
“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
Read it again and let it sink in.
It’s not the events that happen but the absence of an empathic connection that creates trauma. Now think about shame – do we feel an empathic connection when we are being shamed? No. We feel all alone, feeling like the most worthless piece of dirt. So we decide (unconsciously) to do everything in our power to never have to feel that way again. If it means shrinking and staying quiet, that’s what we’ll do.
Growing up, anger was not an emotion I was allowed to feel. I was raised to be quiet and obedient. Any expressions of disagreement or anger were shut down and shamed. So I never learned to express anger or uncomfortable feelings to others.
In my counselling training we had a monthly group training where we were invited to work through our interpersonal issues and express our authentic feelings to each other. So when I found myself sitting in front of another person and having to confront them it brought up a tremendous amount of fear. My nervous system would get very dysregulated – I stopped breathing properly, would often start trembling and crying uncontrollably, losing touch with my surroundings. Knowing what I know now about trauma activation and nervous system dysregulation, I can see that my dysregulation was a result of the reactivation of old trauma. Trauma lives in the body and gets triggered by experiences that somehow remind us of our past wounding. That’s the foundation of PTSD and C-PTSD.
When trauma gets activated it’s important to move slowly, titrating the experience, regulating the nervous system to stay within the window of tolerance. It’s not helpful if we’re just getting retraumatised. In order to move through trauma safely it’s important to maintain our connection to the here and now while being in touch with the traumatic experience.
Going back to my experience with confrontation, I did find that after practicing it in a safe container over the course of 3 years I got much more comfortable with it. I started having open and honest conversations with people in my life, voicing issues I had been avoiding. I did have to learn to calibrate my communication and emotional load in these conversations. Like learning any new skill, learning to have honest uncomfortable conversations can be messy in the beginning. I did lose some people from my social circle as a result of me being more outspoken but I feel that I can live with that. I have found other people who welcome and appreciate my honesty and realness.
If you’re finding disagreement and confrontation difficult, know that you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. You probably have some unresolved trauma around conflict and expressions of anger. It does not have to be that way forever. You can move through the trauma and learn to have uncomfortable conversations without feeling terrified and dysregulated. They will probably still feel uncomfortable but you’ll be able to move through them while remaining within your window of tolerance.
If you found this helpful and want to dive deeper into exploring your inner world, you are welcome to book a free 45-minute Discovery Session.
